A few years ago, I read something during my morning quiet time that captured the essence of my heart’s desire. I shared it on social media, partly as encouragement to others and partly as a reminder to myself. Each year, when the memory pops up, I am reminded of the kind of person I want to be.
It started with a quote by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe:
“There is a courtesy of the heart. It is akin to love. Out of it arises the purest courtesy in the outward behavior.”
The words that followed caught my attention even more.
“Courtesy of the heart may seem detached. It does not interfere with another’s decisions, give advice or seek approval. It neither plays games nor passes judgment. It does not accept guilt or make others feel guilty with questions such as, ‘Why didn’t you do it this way?’ or ‘What made you do that?’
“Courtesy of the heart does not distinguish between president and busboy. It never feels snobbish or superior and remains willing to learn from everyone and everything.
“Courtesy of the heart welcomes new ideas and new people. It chooses joy over fear. It sees with fresh eyes and appreciates rather than criticizes what it sees.”
The reading ends with a simple prayer:
“May I be one of those so blessed as to be able to show ‘courtesy of the heart’ to all.”
Whew. That’s a mighty tall order and a lofty goal.
As I read those words, I realized not only how much I long to embody that description, but also how often I fall short.
I struggle to stay out of another person’s decisions, especially when I can see how things might turn out badly. Even more difficult is watching someone make a choice that doesn’t align with how I think the situation should unfold. I give advice, often unsolicited, and I have spent far too much of my life seeking the approval of others. I pass judgment too easily, sometimes over the simplest qualities or behaviors. I have taken plenty of guilt trips, but I have also handed others a free ticket to one. And, if I am completely honest, I have believed I was better than someone else.
So, as I take this inventory, I am not particularly proud of how short my supply of courtesy of the heart can be.
Maybe that is why these words continue to find me year after year.
They remind me that courtesy of the heart isn’t simply about being polite. It is about how I see people and believing they are capable of doing what’s right for them. Can I allow someone to make a different choice than I would? Am I able to listen without preparing my advice?
I also get to practice appreciating others without comparing, and I can learn from someone I might otherwise overlook.
Even with this awareness, I must avoid the temptation to strive for perfection. Perhaps the reading is simply asking me to keep practicing. Maybe that is where change begins: not with pretending I have mastered the courtesy of the heart, but with noticing when I haven’t.