The TV was on in the background while I was working on my computer. A news show came on with Republican and Democrat analysts discussing the presidential election. I wasn’t really listening to the background noise until I noticed how tense my body felt. Glancing at the screen, I saw one analyst laughing at the other as they argued and talked over each other. The louder their voices got, the more tense I felt. I muttered, “This is how conflict-resistant I am. It makes me uncomfortable to listen to this.”
Luckily, this column isn’t about politics. There’s already plenty of that. I do have opinions, but I am more eager for the election to be over than for any particular outcome. The constant bickering, name-calling, accusations, disrespect, and duality makes me uncomfortable. It is the epitome of everything the Be Kind and Anti-Bullying movements oppose.
Where conflict avoidance began
I am not sure where my conflict avoidance came from. Perhaps it started when I was young, listening to my parents argue loudly. I remember being scared. Nursery rhymes taught me that girls were made of “sugar and spice and everything nice.” Or, maybe it’s rooted in the faith tradition in which I was raised, which emphasized being good and turning the other cheek. Conflict was never framed as positive but something to avoid.
About a year ago was the last time I felt angry. I remember sobbing through the hurt and indignation, feeling an injustice against me. But I sat quietly in the moment and did not speak up. Conflict had presented itself, but I stayed silent. I believed it was wrong, but didn’t stand up. I felt wronged, but didn’t defend myself.
In my experience, conflict rarely changes minds. I can’t recall a single heated exchange where the other person listened to my heartfelt explanation or well-articulated argument and said, “Oh that makes sense. I see your point.” Nor can I remember an argument that ended in the outcome that I had hoped for. It’s sad, but I always feel like the loser in a conflict. And, perhaps it’s not just me. Perhaps both parties end up losing in a conflict.
Finding a better way
I hope on election day that both parties don’t end up feeling like they’ve lost more than just an election. I wish for a world that is kind, respectful, and encourages open, honest dialogue. Expressing myself and sharing my opinion is something I will continue to do, even when its uncomfortable. I’ll continue to look inward to understand how I can improve, where the change can begin with me, and how I have participated in being part of the problem.