I’ve always found it fascinating that siblings can grow up the same family, share the same experiences, and walk away with entirely different stories about what happened. My sister and I are only four years apart, and our memories often sound like they come from different households. Now I listen to my own children recount the same events and marvel at what each of them noticed, felt, and carried away.
Recently, a wise counselor told me something that stopped me in my tracks: we can never fully understand any circumstance. Every situation carries layers: personal history, unspoken fears, past wounds, expectations, tone of voice, timing. Each person brings a unique lens. Words land differently. Moments register differently. At best, he said, we can ask clarifying questions and avoid assumptions that lead to negative thinking.
That insight unsettled me. How often do I operate assuming my perception of the world around me is accurate?
Around the same time, I read a chapter from Don’t Believe Everything You Think. The author describes two strangers sitting in the same coffee shop. One inhales the rich aromas in the air, savors the flavor of freshly brewed coffee, and peacefully watches the people around her. The other, having significant stress about a project at work, is feeling rushed with the burden of her to-do list, and wishing the place was a little quieter. The same reality is presented to both women, yet they experience the situation very differently.
At first, this awareness made me feel strangely siloed. If everyone experiences the same moment differently, how can we ever truly feel connected? It felt lonely to consider that what I was experiencing in the world belonged solely to me.
Then, the discouragement crept in. If perception varies so widely, how can I trust my own? If so much remains imperceivable, how do I understand anyone or anything? The magnitude of it all left me feeling a bit helpless.
But in that humble moment of feeling alone and helpless, I realized how important it is to stay grounded in reality. I don’t need perfect understanding to live well. To the best of my ability, I must avoid making assumptions and interpretations. At all costs, I need to turn away from negativity. Assuming that I understand another’s motives is risky, but to interpret them as negative is destructive.
So I will stay curious. I can only see the reality, and as advised, ask for clarification when needed. And when my thoughts begin to drift toward suspicion or negativity, I will gently pull them back.
This approach does more than protect relationships. It reshapes the world I inhabit. When I release assumptions and choose curiosity instead, I live peacefully with my fellows and open the door to live in a kinder world.